Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, is a unique self-help book that shows the readers how to uncover and treat problems caused by living with dysfunctional family members.
As I read, it became obvious that toxic family members impact our lives and habits. Most of us aren’t aware of it because we don’t think we are the ones who have problems. However, living with these kinds of people shapes our behaviors, habits, and lifestyle; and is called “codependency”. This book is about codependent people who survive living with dysfunctional people.
The first step is to accept that a codependent person can be anyone who grew up inside a dysfunctional family or anyone who has married or lived with someone with an addiction (such as to alcohol, drugs, or food). The book mainly focuses on alcoholics; however, it provides methods applicable for similar conditions. I’m sure many people who don’t have obvious dysfunctionality in their lives may put away the book, but dysfunctionality has a wide meaning beyond those with additions.
It can be any extreme characteristic, such as spending more than one can afford, saving to the point of making yourself miserable, experiencing constant family arguments, disrespecting partners, or being materialistic. For example, in my family, my mom and dad constantly competed with each other, when we were growing up. It was for even simple things such as, cooking the same meal in different ways and asking us who cooked the best. Until a certain age, I always picked dad because I didn’t want to disappoint him. In the past, I never thought their competition was some kind of dysfunctionality but, as I grew up (and tried to find my true north), I realized the negative impact it had on my personality. For us to grow and develop, we must identify any dysfunctionality in our lives to overcome codependency.
The second step is doing something to recover if we are codependent. When dysfunctional people recover or leave our lives, we don’t get better. To do that, we need support groups to receive some kind of treatment and learn to heal. This is what most people are missing. We are not aware of the impact of dysfunctional parents or partners, and how they shape our personality. We assume we will live good lives once they recover or we move away from them. If we are not happy with who we’ve become or our current circumstances we blame the dysfunctional person. Most of the time we play the victim because we don’t know we need help, or how to take responsibility for our lives. We need to stop focusing on others and accept that we also need to recover.
Another clue of being codependent is living our lives for others. Codependent people like the feeling of being in control and being needed by others, even though they may continually complaining about it. They take care of others, try to solve their problems, and make decisions for them. In the end, they expect them to behave and act the way they want. They believe that if we don’t help or control the people in our lives, they will get worse. The truth is they are wasting their time, as they truly can’t change anyone. The only person anyone can change is themselves; we can live our best life and become an
example to others. If they need help, we can do so, not by taking care of them financially and emotionally, but by listening, understanding, and being an example.
Another sad truth is that most of us are not aware of our situation, and we don’t see that we like being in control of others’ problems, instead of facing our own problems or issues. We must learn how to take responsibility for ourselves and let others do the same. It is essential that we learn to do this. In the end, it is our life, and we should live the best life we can.
If we have any negative trend in our lives, we need to fix it because as codependent we may keep finding dysfunctional friends, partners, and even raise dysfunctional kids. So, the best thing we can do is not to wait for the people in our lives to recover or change. We need to stop doing things for them or taking care of them. They will end up doing what they should do. If not, we can help if they want but can’t dedicate our lives to them and expect them to change or get better.
It was an eye-opening book. I read it because I felt like I tend to try and control the people I care about, such as my sisters and my mom. The cover of the book was what caught my attention: “How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself.” After reading it, I decided to stop expecting my sisters to live the life I expected them to live. For example, last year, I read so many beautiful self-help books about self-compassion, self-care, meditation, and setting goals. I recommended these books to my sisters, but they couldn’t find them or made excuses not to read them, even when I ordered the books for them. They didn’t even appreciate my thoughts or recommendations which left me feeling disappointed in them. I decided not to waste my time listening to their complaint and will just let them live their lives.
Overall, I decided that the book didn’t really apply to my life a great deal, however, I still liked the ideas it presented. It did show examples where we can all focus on our lives and take full responsibility for our decisions, instead of worrying about, or trying to control, others. If we don’t we will waste our lives feeling angry and unhappy. If you are a codependent person, reading this book could be a life-changing journey and open your eyes to your behaviors. Within it, you will see the steps necessary to make big changes in your life and escape the bonds of codependency.
I’m a Project Manager with a deep passion for both professional and personal growth. Designing and building the next generation of vehicles is incredibly rewarding, but it comes with its challenges—especially for someone as emotionally invested as I am!