It Is too Soon to Say Goodbye…

I am sure most of you heard the quote, “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” To be honest, I found this quote a little bit cliché until last week. On Sunday, October 29^th, we lost my aunt. She had cancer and she had survived 5 years. She was the only relative I cared about other than my parents and sisters. However, over the years we lost contact. It is so sad and hard to accept, but I missed my chance to reconnect with her. She is gone.

I was living in China when I learned that she had cancer. I was very busy with my job; I was trying to learn a new language and adjust to my new life style. I can’t even remember now if I called her not when I learned that she had cancer. Later on, I moved to the USA, again I was busy with my new job and with my own problems. Also, living abroad made me more estranged from my sisters, my parents and my aunt. I was on my own and working so hard to deal with everything. I was somehow upset with everyone deep inside. I was thinking that no one helped me, supported me.   They did not even ask me how I was managing my life in a foreign country by myself.  When my mom would remind me to call my sisters or my aunt, and I would get more annoyed and would not understand how they would expect me to call them or to communicate with them. They were the ones who should have called me. So, I was focused on my life and I was not in touch with anyone.

For the first time in a long time, I saw her in July 2017 when I went to Turkey to introduce my husband, then my boyfriend, to my parents. We stopped by to see my aunt, she looked fine and I guess I assumed she recovered from her cancer. The second time I saw her was last year in September.  We were in Turkey again for our wedding. She joined our wedding dinner. When I thanked her for joining our wedding, she mentioned that she had had chemotherapy the same day and she was not feeling well, but she did not want to miss our special day. When I think back, I feel like I was so mindless because I did not spend time with her. I missed another chance.

What was I thinking? Why did not I spend a day with her and try to guide her, explain to her the importance of nutrition and healthy diet? Or why didn’t I invite her to have a dinner or a SPA day with us?  The only reason that came to my mind is, I guess I thought she did not need me, and we were not close anymore. I was thinking that my both cousins were graduated and working, and they were giving her financial and moral support. Also, besides her, I was not talking to my cousins anymore, so that was another reason why it was not easy for me to reconnect. I did not have anything against my cousins. I felt like I was the one who always gives more, and I decided to cut it off when I was in China.

A few months ago, her cancer reoccurred, and she had another surgery. After that everything got worse. She was in a lot of pain. Over the time the chemotherapy did not kill the cancer cells, but it ruined her organs. My mom was with her most of her time at the hospital and at home. I am so thankful to her, because she gave me an opportunity to talk to my aunt one more time. I sent her a small gift; I want to believe that it made her happy. She wanted to talk to me on the phone even though she was having a hard time talking. I tried to teach her positive affirmations. We said together ’my cells are renewing; I am getting better’. It was our last communication.

I woke up on Sunday with my sister’s text message, which informed me and Yeliz about her death. I felt miserable. I felt the urge to see her face, and I found my cousin’s graduation pictures. She looked happy in those pictures. I also have our face time picture from our last conversation while she was sending me kisses. It is the only relief I have.

She is gone, and I can’t change anything. I will make a list of the people for whom I care the most and reconnect with them before it is too late.  Maybe next time I will not have to realize the value of the people only when I lose them…